Interview with a Leprechaun
What’s not to love about those adorable, rosy-cheeked, green-attired troublemakers? A lot, apparently. Leprechauns smell horrible, are vulgar and make jokes that only they get. Although leprechauns, by nature, are very secretive, we were able to score this exclusive interview with one.
Why did you grant Freedom Leaf an interview?
My agent told me you were “green-friendly,” so it seemed like a natural fit.
What are you anyway? A little person? A pixie? A gnome?
I’m not a fucking gnome. We’re degenerate fairies who make shoes, play jokes on humans and hoard gold.
According to lore, if I catch you and squeeze you tight, you have to give me your riches.
Go ahead and try. Make my day. [Due to the overwhelming stench of the leprechaun, this reporter declined.]
You reek of booze. Are you drunk?
Well, we’re legendary distillers, so sure, we’ve been known to imbibe from time to time. What’s it to you anyway? Are you the sober police?
Let’s talk about the pipe, then. What’s in it?
What do you think is in it?
Wow, so leprechauns are for the legalization of marijuana?
Hel-lo! Of course, we are. The whole shamrock thing? It actually started off as a pot leaf. But our in-house artist can’t count past three, so we just went with the shamrock leaf instead.
What kind of tricks do you play on pot smokers?
Lost keys are our specialty. We keep many a stoner busy looking for them. It’s high-sterical. And lighters… we love lighters. I have millions.
Why do you do these things?
Because it’s fun to mess with humans. They’re so serious and full of themselves. When we play tricks on them, they’re forced to see the futility of trying to control things. It keeps them humble and on their toes, basically.
So what’s the best way for a stoner to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?
The drunks have really co-opted this holiday, which is very unfortunate, because they’re so annoying. Last St. Patty’s Day, some college jerk barfed green beer all over me, then threatened to beat me up.
What did you do?
After he passed out, I tied his shoes together and drew a very large penis on his face. Don’t fuck with a leprechaun!
Then, with a wink and a fart, the crusty redhead disappeared into the night, taking his own special green magic with him. And my lighter. And my stash.